Team Rational
by The One and the Five
Summary: AKA: How to become a ninja without the use of a bijuu, clan jutsu, Kekkei Genkai, or perfect chakra control. AKA: A thousand and one ways to torment Ebisu: The story of Team Nine.
1. Experiments in Coherency

It's early spring in Konohagakure. The sun is shining, birds are chirping and everything is wonderful.

With the lone exception of a group of four people sitting in dead silence near the small pool by the east gate. For them, life just got a little awkward.

The first is a medium-sized eleven year old, brown eyes and brown hair. With these relatively common traits, in Konoha the boy would charitably be describe as a nice, normal looking child with a sweet face. In reality, the boy could have walked up to you, introduced himself, conducted a ten minute discourse on the idiocy of the clan systems in the Hidden Villages, accused you of being an enabler of the oligarchy and spat in your face, and within an hour you would have forgotten his name, his lecture and the general concept of his existence. His name was Watanabe Sajin, and he has been staring at his new sensei and teammates for the past few minutes, determined not to be the first to crack.

The second is a rather tall girl, at least for her age, with slightly more distinctive black hair and eyes that appear to be constantly accusing you of having killed her favorite puppy. The eyes themselves are a remarkably pale shade of blue, bordering on Hyuuga white, and have been staring at the small squirrel hiding in the oak tree directly behind her sensei. He eyes have not blinked for approximately three minutes while said squirrel skitters uncomfortably up and down the length of said tree. Her name is Hajime Nojiko, and she is actually the brightest person in her class. She is far beyond a certain Haruno Sakura in that she actually has personal skills, can blend in with her classmates, and knows how to not get picked on for being an insufferable know-it-all fangirl. Nojiko is not holding a grudge. Nope.

The third child is the smallest and appears utterly uninterested in anything going on around him, including his teammates, his sensei, and the squirrel. You can tell because his eyes are closed and sounds that vaguely resemble a particularly intoxicated sheep's bleating are emanating from his mouth. He appears to be sleeping while sitting perfectly upright. His teammates (and the squirrel) seem slightly impressed by his ability, with the sole exception of his sensei who isn't entirely convinced that he is asleep. His name is Fukurou Takashi, and his biggest secret is that he has no desire to be a shinobi. It's not so much a secret as a generally known fact, but still, he likes to pretend it a secret. His second biggest secret is _actually_ a secret and involves the absurd spate of luck that is otherwise known as his _entire life_. Whether it is the luck of kami or of the devil, he is unsure, but he knows that only his luck could have landed him in a Genin team without taking the Genin exam or ever attending the Academy.

The fourth, and last, of the group is also the eldest. His name is simply Ebisu, and he is the only one of the entire group aware that the future of the village may depend on the three children sitting in front of him. He is a tokubetsu jonin of Konoha, with a specialty in _not being an utter lunatic_. Truly a unique ability among the village jonin. He is hoping to cultivate such a specialty among the next generation of Konoha Shinobi. He is the only one who knows that this is his last chance to train a Genin team before being assigned to one Sarutobi Konohamaru and that if this team doesn't pass, _he will totally loose it_, and have to take up _porn_ like some unmentioned Cyclops because he will NOT be able to handle teaching a small child whose sole goal is to become Hokage by killing the sitting leader of his village. Because that will definitely go over well with the Daimyo. And with the rest of the village.

Ebisu would very much like to not have to take up porn if he can avoid it. Jiraya may be an excellent author, but KAMI does that man's infatuation with Tsunade have to show up in every single book!?

Ebisu, as you may be able to discern, is very close to the edge.

In short, they are four of the five most intelligent, _rational_, people in the village, which is in so many ways a terrifying idea in a village full of shinobi.

They've been sitting and staring at each other (or the aforementioned squirrel) for approximately fifteen minutes now.

The squirrel is contemplating whether or not it should try to break the ice.

"Why don't we start by introducing ourselves," Ebisu said, having lost the staring contest with his students via extreme discomfort. "I'll go first. My name is Ebisu; I am a Tokubetsu Jonin of the village with a specialty I will not yet reveal to you. I enjoy training, a nice cup of sake after a long day, and staying far, _far_ away from Sarutobi Konohamaru. I dislike traitors and insane people. My goal for the future is to pass the three of you as a Genin team, and my dream is to retire from shinobi life at age 35." There were several raised eyebrows at the end of his introduction, mainly from Sajin and Nojiko, as Takashi was still "sleeping".

When another minute went by, and no one began speaking, Ebisu indicated to Nojiko that she should continue. She eyed her sensei warily before launching into speech.

"My name is Nojiko. I enjoy shogi, bathing in the hot springs, and learning about chakra. My dislikes include my parents who insist that I enter civilian school and study to become an accountant for the village. My goal is to become a Special Jonin and my dream is to establish a new universal chakra theory, as the theory taught to us in school lacks a certain….logic."

Ebisu nodded impatiently, having ignored the vast majority of Nojiko's introduction and motioned to Sajin to continue.

"Hi there. I'm Watanabe Sajin. My likes include jutsu research and invention as well as cooking. My dislikes include Konoha's council, its clans, and anyone who helps perpetuate the oligarchical stranglehold on the village. My goal is the establishment of a resistance movement to undermine the clans and elect a Hokage by direct vote as opposed to allowing the previous Hokage or council choose the successor. My dream is to establish my own ninja family and horde jutsu scrolls so that my family can have their own secret techniques and actually match up to clan members in a straight out fight."

By this point even Takashi deigned to open his eyes and join the staring. Which everyone, other than Sajin, did unabashedly for another long moment. When it became clear that Sajin would not be elaborating, Ebisu decided to end the suspense.

"Why don't you finish up the introductions Takashi?"

"My name is Fukurou Takashi. My likes are mathematics, science and sleeping. My dislikes include ninjas, chakra and killing people for money. I have no long term desires or dreams, and my immediate goal is to convince you that I should not be a ninja."

The long stretches of silence finally got to the squirrel, who began chittering madly and fell off the branch.

With a sidelong look at the squirrel, Ebisu said, "Well, now that we have introduced oursel—."

"Hang on a minute Sensei," Nojiko interrupted, "who the hell is this guy? He weren't in our class. How the hell can he be a genin?"

"It involves my love of science, a really determined chunin by the name of Umino Iruka, and the Universe's deep hatred of yours truly," Takashi deadpanned.

"What the hell does tha—?"

"ANYWAYS," Ebisu interrupted, "as I was saying, now that we have introduced ourselves, I regret that I have to inform you that you are not yet Genin." He paused for dramatic effect.

None of his students looked particularly surprised.

"Sensei, twenty-seven students in our class passed our graduation exam," Sajin explained, "and there are about one thousand active shinobi total in Konoha. Do the math. It's obvious that not everyone will become a shinobi or kunoichi. Or if they do, it's obvious that they will die approximately five minutes in to their first C-rank mission."

"I mean, come on. There was a kid in our class who literally attended about once every three days, and he had a headband this morning," Nojiko said.

"Not to mention that Nara kid who is some kind of narcoleptic and didn't actually take any of the other tests at the academy. But I'm sure he only passed on account of his clan's influence with the school council. Just another example of how the oligarchy—"

"Don't you guys want to hear about the actual genin test?"

"Not really, I just want to make sure to fail it." Three guesses who said that.

Ebisu silenced them with a glare. "There are three ways to pass the test. The first is an out right battle. You have to engage two of the other prospective genin teams and defeat them in combat by the end of the week. And they can't just be any genin; they have to be genin who passed their Jonin sensei's exam."

"The second is a search and recovery mission." Ebisu took a deep breath, "you must steal the Hokage's hat without his knowledge and return it to me by the end of the week."

"There is one last way to pass the test. There is a student in your graduating academy class who is the subject of two S-Rank secrets. Your mission is to determine the identity of the student. You will have to report it back to me, and you only get one guess."

"For each portion of the test you pass, one member of your team can stay a genin. Everyone else has to head back to the academy."

"Try not to die!" Ebisu waved cheerfully, before disappearing in a large cloud of smoke.

-Break-

The butterfly effect is interesting.

What's more interesting is when you replace the butterfly with an overpowered Futon jutsu.

-Break-

Life… is strength. You live, [thus] you affect your world.

-Jon Irenicus

What effect will you have?


	2. Team Planning

For the second time that day, silence filled the clearing. However, this time the silence lasted a mere moment before the angry discussion broke out.

"How the hell are we supposed to do any of those—"

"Clearly just another attempt at discrimination against a non-conformist free thinker. Those arrogant— "

"I think I have an idea."

Sajin and Nojiko stopped talking and looked over at their last teammate. At least if teammate was the right word. How do you describe someone who not only doesn't want to be your teammate, but doesn't want to even watch the game?

Sajin queried, "I don't mean to offend Fukurou-san, but how can we trust any plan you give us? You don't even want to be here."

"You're right. I don't. But that doesn't mean my idea won't work."

Nojiko shot Sajin a glare when it looked like he was on the verge of interrupting. "Just let him explain. It's not like I've got any bright ideas on how to ferret out S-class secrets."

Takashi elaborated, "I think I have a plan about how to get the Hokage's hat. And maybe an idea about defeating other Genin teams, but I need a few suggestions."

The other two Genin leaned in close.

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

Nojiko ran through town like a demon was on her heels. Eyes wide in terror, she dashed from rooftop to rooftop at her full speed.

This, sadly, was not enough.

On the streets below her dashed a menacing purple aura, one that was slowly growing larger, almost in synchronization with the panicked civilians tossing their bags, children, and in one memorable case, their lunch away from the source of the terror.

It should probably be mentioned at this point that Nojiko is currently holding two skewers of dango in her left hand. And nursing a large cut on her right. And barely dodging snakes courtesy of Konoha's resident Snake Mistress, Mitarashi Anko.

It should also probably be noted that she is currently henged as one Uchiha Sasuke.

She has also definitively proved that it was not possible to activate the Sharingan while henged as an Uchiha.

Jumping to the roof of a nearby laundromat, Nojiko threw the sticks of dango to a nearby Sajin, henged as one Uzumaki Naruto, who took off running into the street. Anko immediately pounced on Nojiko who went down, somehow managing to maintain the henge while having the breath knocked out of her along with her pride.

Anko bent down next to her and, with a great whiff, howled, as a she wolf would in pursuit of her stolen pups, "DANNNNGOOOOOO!"

She leapt up after 'Naruto' and resumed the chase, leaving Nojiko behind, twitching on the rooftop.

"Why the hell is everyone in this town a total nutcase," she asked herself bemusedly.

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

In a clearing by training ground seven, a silver-haired pervert is lurking.

Well, okay. Lurking isn't really the word, he's waiting for his team to get up and try to capture a pair of silver bells resting on his hip. Kakashi Hatake has already dealt with one orange-clad idiot challenging him for the bells, and it waiting for the other members of his team to make some sort of attempt. A book on "adult education" is open in one hand, while the other is throwing kunai at the Kage Bunshin of a certain Jinchuriki.

He has no idea that Anko has already knocked his team unconscious, and team nine has claimed their hiates.

Kakashi turns the page.

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

In the clearing next to the small pool by the east gate, a squirrel chitters sadly. It's been left behind. Again. It steals a kunai from a passing Tenten. She doesn't notice it's gone.

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

"NEVER," pant Sajin and Nojiko in unison, "AGAIN."

"Well, we will need to do it once more for team ten."

"NO!"

"I thought you might say that, so I prepared a backup plan."

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

It is at this point in the story that the Author should provide some background on the Genin Watanbe Sajin. Sajin, as previously mentioned, is a rather unnoticeable young lad, who tends to blend into the woodwork, metaphorical or literal as the case may be. Additionally he has a slight grudge against the oligarchy. Slight.

Finally, due to an accident at the age of seven, Sajin has no sense of taste. Said accident occurred because of a dare by one Hajime Nojiko. Said dare was in response to Sajin's abysmal survival scores and his firm belief that they were "not that bad, honestly." The dare included remaining in training ground 47 for a total of twelve hours without anything but a single kunai, shuriken and a handkerchief with which to, as Nojiko put it, "cry like a little baby." As training ground 47, more commonly known as the Forest of Death, is not usually a traditional training site for seven year olds, Sajin may have bit off more then he could chew. Long story short, after a traumatic experience with an oversized caterpillar and a collision with a peach-grapefruit-jaguar hybrid, Sajin left the Forest with ageusia (inability to taste), as well as a collection of colorful, if disturbing scars.

Sajin has still not forgiven Nojiko.

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

When Sajin challenges Akamichi Chouji to a BBQ eating contest, he does not expect to win. He does however, expect the half-liter of Suna brand hot sauce he dumped on the ribs to leave the Akamichi open to a blow to the head from a frying-pan. He also expects that the Akimichi will simply be thought to be sleeping. He expects to get away scot free.

He did not, however, expect it to be that easy.

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

Nojiko takes the simpler route with Ino.

"Hey Ino-chan, did you hear that Sasuke-kun was asking for you? He's right outside!"

"SASUKE-KUN!"

How do people not look for trip-wires? Or pit-traps? Or exploding-tags?

Nojiko, despite her brilliant mind, has never actually used a dictionary to find the definition of "overkill."

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

Takashi is a little nervous. He's up against Shikamaru Nara. Of the Nara clan. They are all geniuses. GENIUSES. Geniuses. Geniusi? Genies?

…

He'll file that for future thought.

Anways GENIUSES!

He walks into the Nara compound, head held high, eyes alert and figure strategically slumped over. He walks up to the gate.

And the guards are slumped over. Asleep.

Takashi grins to himself, all according to plan. He enters the main compound, and spots Shikamaru lying in the garden. Unconscious to the world. Takashi takes a moment to pity the Nara. He empathizes with his narcoleptic ways, truly. But this is for his team. Well, not _his_ team, he would personally be happy never to see these people again, but its still a team. And Takashi has always been a team player.

Oh my kami, Shikamaru's wearing an earing. MORE PROOF!

He also appears to be awake. And staring at Takashi. Crap.

They stare at each other for a little while. Takashi takes a moment in his head to comment on the amount of staring that's gone on in the last twenty-four hours.

Takashi takes a lot of moments in his head.

Shikamaru speaks up. "Umn, who the hell are you?"

Takashi politely responds. "CAN I HAVE YOUR HEADBAND?"

"Troublesome."

…

"CAN I HAVE YOUR HEADBAND?"

…

"Kage Mane no jutsu, complete."

Well crap.

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

Foiled by Shikamaru's masterful plan to expose Takashi's crippling inability to do anything ninja-like, including lying, Takashi stands helpless.

Well, at least in the eyes of the squirrel, that's the case.

Takashi is busy formulating his next plan, which will involve some form of begging and pupp-dog eyes, when a rogue kunai careens out of the trees and smacks Shikamaru in the head. The jutsu is released and Takashi is free! He looks for his savior.

The sound of the forest is all that he hears.

**Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break-Break**

Note: I have adjusted Chapter 1 to both more accurately portray Nojiko's feeling towards Sakura as well as to reflect the English language. Enjoy!


	3. Technical Evaluations

The Genin have gathered together looking triumphant, although with a small amount of trepidation on Takashi's part. This is the riskiest portion of the whole plan. The part where everything could go wrong, at least for him. Everything.

"Well," asks Ebisu imperiously, "what do you have for me?"

Sajin lays six headbands on the ground in front of his soon to be sensei.

"We took the headbands from the Genin before they passed the exam, but they all passed so its fine."

Ebisu queries, "How did you know they would pass?"

"The newest generation of the oligarchical complex? Please, the Hokage would be impeached before such a thing could happen. And the day the kid with the Sharingan fails his Genin exam is the day Takashi decides to be a ninja."

Ebisu lets that sink in. Apparently they have already formed something of a bond, well, that's about enough to pass them. Not to mention taking out two Genin teams.

"Well, you guys did exce…"

"Oh," speaks up Nojiko, "here's the Hokage's hat!" She hands him…

What appears to be the Hokage's hat, red and white and with the kanji for Fire.

What.

What.

What.

…

…

What.

"Sajin and I told that kid Konohamaru that you would teach him how to be a super-cool ninja if he got the hat from his grandfather. Turns out that there are about five or so copies just lying around his house. Anyhow, he's scheduled to come over in about an hour."

Rage. So much rage. Rage with extra anger sauce and a helping of terror on the side. Well, it isn't so much terror as it is dismay. And it's not so much on the side as it is showing all over Ebisu's face.

"WHY IN THE HOKAGE'S NAME WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?"

"Oh," interjects Takashi, "this is for revenge, in case that wasn't quite clear."

"REVENGE FOR WHAT?"

"Setting us impossible tasks in a poorly designed attempt to test our teamwork. And trying to make me participate in this ninja farce."

Ebisu shuts down. Completely.

"But don't worry, I've countered your plan. You see, there are only three options you were prepared for: for us to work together and fail the tasks, work separately and fail the tasks, or succeed at the tasks. What you couldn't expect was for us to only pass some of the tasks with teamwork and fail others individually. So you see, Sajin and Nojiko worked together to defeat their members of the Genin teams and get the Hokage's hat, while I never managed to steal or fight anyone on my own. And so, for the final task, I took the challenge alone. And I, under advice from my teammates, chose the least likely academy student to be the subject of an S-rank secret, and so I name Uzumaki Naruto as my answer to the third exam question. And so I fail and you have to let me go back to my normal schoo….. Why are you making that face?"

….

"Dammit."

**This is the Line known as the Scene Break. Please Tred Carefully.**

"The Hokage knows my name. " It's more of a moan then a statement.

Takashi's two teammates glance at each other before shrugging. Nojiko glances at Sajin and gestures with her head. Sajin just gives her a look, shaking her head. Ebisu has remained behind to have a further conversation with the Hokage.

"The Hokage knows my nameeeeeeeee." Definitely a moan that time.

Nojiko ventures, "Isn't that a good thing? That means you have connections…"

"I DON'T WANT CONNECTIONS YOU FOOLISH GIRL! I DON'T WANT TO BE A NINJA! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!"

"Hey! Don't talk to her that way!"

Takashi spins around "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF My lif…" He catches sight of Nojiko.

It's not so much the fact that Nojiko is sad, as it is that her eyes choose to be sad. Nojiko's feelings are entirely irrelevant to the beings that inhabit her eye-sockets. Those beings do not feel such things are remorse, or happiness, or pain, they have transcended such plebian words and become something more, something Other.

They whisper with their combination of pupil twitches and the ever so slight build up of moisture: 'Guilt no Jutsu.' Their hand signs are their stare. And do they ever stare.

"I apologize Nojiko, that was not well said of me. I ask forgiveness from to the… team"

Nojiko and Sajin hi-five. A nut is thrown at them with unerring accuracy. No one notices.

"But now that the Hokage knows I can intuit S–rank secrets, he'll want to use me for infiltration missions and send me away to goreign nations and take me away from my books and make me use chakra and kill people and…"

Nojiko interrupts, "No he won't."

"Why would he?" Sajin interjects, "We've known for years and it's not like we've been graduated early or anything."

"I mean, come off it, the kid knows the Hokage personally, plus he failed the graduation exam and then showed up with a hiate the next day after a village-wide alert _just happened_ to be issued. Not to mention the fact that the kid is no," *shudder* "Yamanaka and yet still has blonde hair and blue eyes, much like a certain famous Hokage who died twelve years ago. It's not kinjutsu or anything."

Ebisu has unfortunately taken this moment to join up with his team as they head back to their meeting spot.

…

They start walking back to the Hokage's tower.

**This is the Line known as the Scene Break. Hear it roar.**

After a second, longer meeting with the Hokage, during which Nojiko comments on the second S-rank secret that Naruto must be the subject of, Sajin railes aagainst the bias that the village has against ninja's without a clan name, and Tamaki attempts and fails to discretely cross his name out from the active ninja roster, Ebisu is tired.

He pulls of his sunglasses and makes the mistake of looking directly at his student's faces.

The eyes.

Good god, the eyes.

So innocent and clear, so much terror and guilt. It's overwhelming.

Nojiko blinks once and the spell is dissipated.

For now.

What's terrifying is that she doesn't know she's doing it. Ebisu will help her with this, he decides, for only with the power of those eyes, the strongest eyes in all the Elemental Nat…

Ebisu whips out a mirror. Nope. No Sharingan.

Coughing , he regains the attention of his Genin. "We'll begin training tomorrow please don't deduce any more secrets above B-rank, I'll see you at 8 AM, bright and early. If you're late, you have to cou… Oh Kami Konohamaru."

His shunshin blurs the line of reality. Somehow the scarf still follows him.

Takashi turns to his teammates, "We didn't get a chance to finish our conversation. Why would you give me Uzumaki Naruto's name if you KNEW THAT HE WAS THE SUBJECT OF THE S-RANK SECRET!"

"Isn't that obvious," Nojiko replies as she and Sajin grab each other's shoulders, tilt their heads together and smile, "we wanted you to stay on our team!"

"WHYYYYYYYYYY!?"

"Because, despite your throwing us to the wolves, err, snakes, you actually can plan your way out of a paper box. Which, I mean seriously, compared to the other Genin we could have gotten stuck with, is kind of a minor miracle. "

"Not to mention that every team needs a straight-man. And my obsession with the facist dictatorship that is this town mixed with Nojiko's deep abiding need to figure out what the hell is up with all the people who can shoot fire and lightning from their mouths but don't care about the fact they couldn't do it two-hundred years ago. And your only neurosis is that you don't want to be a ninja! You're perfect!"

There are no words to respond.

**This is the Line known as the Scene Break. There is no fear, only pudding.**

Tamaki, Nojiko and Sajin all walked home that night. Tamaki went to his apartment near the civilian school where he found a cheerful Chuunin informing him that because of his new ninja status, he would be relocated closer to the Hokage's tower, and farther from the library. Tamaki was not cheerful.

Nojiko never made it home because the pretty books in the new shinobi library, to which she now had access, distracted her. The librarians, informed in advance by her academy teachers, had already prepared a cot in a quiet corner. They prepared a shiatsu massage, as notes from Mizuki had indicated that bribery and threats were inefficient at removing the girl from the books before 5AM.

Sajin went home to his parents and had a quiet, normal dinner with minimal yelling.

In the darkness, a loan man watched the three as they prepared to settle in for the night.

Umino Iruka smiled.

I'll be editing the previous two chapters over the next few days.


End file.
